Three Healthy ways to deal with Offences.
There are some things in life which we can never run away from, the best thing we can do for such is to arm ourselves with the tools and knowledge on how to handle them. One of these things is offences. No matter how much we can try to avoid them or to pray them away offences will always find their way into our lives. Jesus in Luke 17:1(NIV) said, “It is impossible that no offences should come, but woe to him through whom they do come”! This is from the mouth of Jesus the son of God; our master and saviour Himself warned us that offences are inevitable in life. The big question then, is how do we deal with them?
1. Forgive
The starting place is that one should learn to “forgive”. Forgiveness is the bedrock on which every other method of dealing with offences should stand upon. If one is not willing to forgive, they will see that they can only deal with conflict and offences superficially, but the matter will still be affecting them deep in their heart, and this is not a healthy way to live. Therefore, decide now to be a forgiving person. Life is all about forgiving and being forgiven and this must be a lifestyle.
At one point Jesus The Great Teacher was asked a question on how often an individual can be forgiven. Let’s check out his response in Matthew 18: 21-22 (NIV) “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times”. Do you see how many times we must be willing to forgive one person? Yes, be willing and be ready to forgive those who offend you.
2. Overlook
The second healthy way to deal with offences is to “overlook”. To overlook means to pass over without giving due attention. Offences usually take a hold of one's attention thereby generating all kinds of feelings. We often see that the power and sting of an offence lies in the attention it is given. If it is not given too much attention it loses its sting and can naturally diffuse or can be diffused with little effort.
I noticed something with my children when they were still babies, whenever they tripped and fell and no body seemed to notice it, they would just rise and continue with their play. However, if the same incident happened whilst an adult was watching and sympathizing, they would cry and feel more emotional. The same is often true of some other babies I have observed. Granted, this is not always the case, but in those few instances it seems that the pain intensity is contributed by the attention that the situation is given.
Of course, offences are not a little trip and fall of a baby, but the issue here is this; not every incident is worthy of your attention. We need to weigh the matters and overlook somethings. Not every disagreement, conflict or offence deserves your attention, allow somethings just to pass. Reserve your efforts and strength for weightier matters.
Hear what the Bible says about this matter. First let us read Proverbs 19:11 (NIV); “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” This shows that it is good for you and me to learn to overlook some offences.
Ecclesiastes 7:21-22(NIV) says, “Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others”. Here the scripture reminds us that we ourselves have offended others as well, therefore we must learn to overlook when we are offended also. Some use the phrase “make a big fuss” about everything which means any tiny offence will be escalated.
One very healthy way of living is keeping everything, including conflict and offences, in their proper perspective, - trivialising what is trivial and attending to what really needs our attention. When we are young everything gets our attention, and we are fascinated by every small thing, but with maturity our focus is more directed to what is important. Science has proven that the eyesight of infants is very detailed even to the distinguishing between two different monkeys. Adults cannot do this because as we grow our senses begin to generalise other things and can only concentrate and attend to matters of value.
3. Make peace
The third healthy way to deal with offences is to “make peace”. The Bible in Romans 12:18-19 (NIV) says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay, “says the Lord”. The encouragement here is that as much as we have opportunity, we should do our best to make and promote peace.
It is important that whenever we see ourselves in conflict with others, we should be decisive on the outcome that we would like to see as we deal with the conflict at hand. What do you value the most in a time of conflict? Is it winning an argument or maintaining peace and harmony? Some people go all out just to win an argument without any care for peace, but we need to focus on what is really important and that is maintaining peace. This is made possible by engaging in peaceful and constructive discussion about the matter. If there is need a mediator can be involved to facilitate the discussion.
It is one thing to argue and fight about a matter and it is another thing to discuss the same matter reasonably and constructively with the goal of promoting peace, and harmony. Remember the teaching of Jesus in the Beatitudes, “Blessed are the peace makers for they will be called sons of God.” Matthew 5:9 (NIV). Therefore, be peace minded when you engage in resolving or addressing any kind of conflict and offence.
Joseph Dhlakama.
